Monday, August 29, 2011

Gettin' through

I am just hours away from a full week since Gene arrived in heaven.  How life has changed.  How life remains the same.  It is all very odd.  I desire to do nothing but still must take care of business details.  I want to eat nothing and yet eat too much.  I am impatient with everything and everyone and yet want to give God glory in the midst of difficult days.  I cry some, but no cry touches the depth of where I hurt.  I choke some but then I usually have to perform some task so I must swallow it and move through.  I do not want the month of August to ever end, I do not want it to be a different month but I am not in control.

Today I had a breakthrough, we will see if it lasts.  Here it is...Gene is with me...all the memories are there, all the events are there, all the laughter and hugs and kisses are a part of who I am.  He is with me and yet I delight to know he is not with me on this earth but has transcended this place for the fulfillment  of God's promises.  I am thankful for that. Even rereading this makes the tears flow again and again.

I am honest and I am real and many of you have enjoyed  or commented on how it touched you so now you get some of the raw hurt.  I know there will be many bible lessons to gain from all this and I trust God to fulfill His words to me.

One thing to hang onto is that he showed me this walk nearly in its completion two years before it began.  I am thankful He did not show me all but I can tell you this, He isn't finished yet so I am hangin' with Him.

This is different but the same but different from lots of hurts you have experienced.  Can you join me in a trust walk with God?

Choosing ...........the thankful ...........every......day status

6 comments:

Denise said...

Yes Joanie I can join you in a trust walk with God. My heart is with you. Choosing to be thankful friend.

qew said...

Joan E,
Here is the chorus from a song I sing at homegoings. It seems to be reassuring for those waiting go home. I pray it touches your heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~
'Cause there will be a time when you'll see his face

And you'll hear his voice and there you will laugh again

And there will come a day when you'll hold him close

No more tears to cry 'cause you'll have forever

You're only saying goodbye for now

Dionne said...

Dionne- NOT qew- who has never left a comment on here before and apparently didn't know how to identify herself.

Tina Schrider said...

Joanie,
Once again, you touch the depths.
Words cannot describe what you and your open heart have done for so many of us. I thank you for your frankness and your undying faith that you have been sharing this past summer. I totally get not wanting the month to change, nor the season.
You will now be entering a different 'season' of your life, which is always challenging. We all anticipate the seasonal changes with wonder and faith, I think. A wondering spirit on what may be around the corner and a faith the the Big Guy has a plan and His ways are all good. I'm with you, He says in a whisper...and we hear it in the fall breeze, we smell it in a pot of chili on a winter's day, we see in in the first flowers of spring, we taste it when we eat the June strawberries, and we feel it, the warmth of God's love, on an August day when our life is changed forever.
I will walk with you on this journey He says to us, I will carry you if need be, I love you my child.

Thank you for you open heart, Joanie. I have learned so much.
God bless,
Tina

Kris said...

I love you and wish I was there to cry with you. i have no other words than that. -Kristine

Anonymous said...

"...has transcended this place for the fulfillment of God's promises." Oh...this moves me! What an inexpressable victory for Gene! Oh, just for a glimpse of the grandness of this truth!

And yet, for you, for the children, for Gene's parents, for his friends...the loss is so very, very great. You use the word "raw"...and I can feel what you feel in that word. I have used that same word to describe pain during unimaginable grief.

I pledge to continue my prayers for you, for the walk that you are on--this "trust walk", as you have called it, this walk of grief and loss and sadness--does not end today at the memorial service. But you are not alone.

Love, Cheryl