I started writing this blog to encourage myself to find something to be thankful for every day. Sometimes I get caught up in the stuff of each day and forget to sing a psalm of thanksgiving. That's a reason I like facebook. Not everyone is in the same place as I am and they help me when they post songs of love and joy and stories of God at work in their lives. I stop and remember too. I join in with the praises.
Yesterday was Gene's funeral service and today I feel lost. Every decision I have ever made for nearly the past 27 years has involved him in some way.
I have never been an easy wife to guide, but I did work hard at asking his opinion and trying to understand when he said he thought differently than I did. If I argued hard enough he would release me to do whatever it was my own way but if I listened hard enough [and that was sometimes difficult] I could hear why he thought it was a poor decision. I cannot think of a time when I did not rejoice that I had listened to his counsel. [Except the time he told me all that stuff just would not fit in the car for a trip to my mother's house. A 7month old baby takes a lot of stuff! I emptied the car and repacked it and was he ever surprised [and humble pie was eaten] when everything did indeed fit in with room for passengers as well!]
Sometimes he was right on the money and sometimes I was better prepared to make that particular decision but it was joint and that is the difficult part today.
When I married, I opened myself emotionally to Gene, not something I had ever done with anyone else, probably since I was a very little girl and learned it was risky to do so. I used to pride myself on fulfilling the song, "I am a rock , I am an island".
But it was only with Gene, I didn't want that open a relationship with anybody else and I guarded that intimacy passionately. So much so that Gene didn't really understand. The children, the pets, the extended family, no one was given what I gave him emotionally. He accepted it and occasionally really "got" it but I gave it just the same.
And now the hurt is so intense because I don't have ....right here I stopped and blew my nose and gained some perspective. I am not alone. I chose to only open myself emotionally with Gene but I can choose again and be vulnerable with others . Not in exactly the same way but my friendship with each of my closest companions is different in subtle ways. And I can be emotionally vulnerable with them too. Perhaps we all learn by being so.
..........and I have the maturity to know I am not a rock--Jesus is-- and I am not an island, Jesus unites me to a huge body of Christ. He has sent far more than two boats, a raft, and a helicopter. [Do you remember that old joke?]
I must rest, I must receive, I must allow the ministry of the Holy Spirit to rest upon me. I am not going to "get over this" in a day or two but who said I had to? I will sleep some more, rest some more, eat and drink and reflect and gradually things will fall into place. [If I need it...... will you remind me again?] What did God do for Elijah but give him water and food and sleep to aide him in getting on with the call of God in his life. Now that's a bible lesson I am going to learn from!