The days pass [see above] and I crave my bed. I really just want to be alone and cry and wish it all away. I did not think I would react like this. I really thought I would have a better grip. but things like turning the calendar page to Sept, away from the month Gene was last with me, blew me away...I cried....hard.
Lydia encourages me to do what I can and not to do what I can not do. What good advise. I am following it and despite not wanting to I am answering the phone--most of the time. Reading the mail--all of the time. Speaking to people but really wishing not to do so. I approach slowly some things, like removing medicines and medical devises, sometimes I wish the bed he lay in in his last days was still here so I could curl up on it and cry but then I know that that is not healing, not logical, and so it is good that the sickbed went away.
But I cry at sporadic intervals and yet I must work on. We had big damage to the roof during the hurricane so I MUST see to getting that fixed. The "children" still must eat so I have to keep rotating food goods through the fridge so that the gifts and blessings get eaten without spoiling.
Gene had lots of people who loved him not the least being his parents and children. I can not be so self absorbed that I forget their pain as well. I know it is not my job to guide them but if I truly trust God I must demonstrate at least an element of that.
When Gene was getting sicker we watched a Holocaust movie and we really did rejoice that that kind of pain was not ours to endure. Odd? Yes, but it did remind us that it could be much worse and that others have suffered much more. Today I watched another and it served the same purpose to remind me that many have suffered much and worst things than the knowing peaceful death of a husband treasured. Later I saw part of a CW movie that absolutely horrified me as the movie writers and directors completely twisted the Christian message of love into a pastor portrayed as condescending and judgmental because he stood firm on the word of God. I have been writing a letter Gene wanted to write to the Body of Christ, trusting that I will portray what he wanted to say and not what I would say. I was successful in writing a letter to his dad but that one I had great confidence in knowing what Gene wanted to say to him. But the one to the body, I am praying through. There is a message he would say about hanging tight to the scripture as unerring truth that today's movie completely undermined. It was far more horrific than the holocaust movie--really.
So, surprised as I am and tearful as I find myself, I also Know in my knower that I will get through this. I trust my Lord and Savior as much as I ever have and He understands my sorrows, He too was a man of sorrows.
I am looking for things to be thankful for and tomorrow might be just the day to tell some more ....Part 6 I think.......of The True and the Real! That I am really and truly thankful for!!!!