Now that is a rarity for me.....I almost always have words to say or write or express. I love to sing worship songs using sign language because I get to say it twice!
But I am tired today...not sleepy though that is coming on...no I am weary of hanging on. I know what I am supposed to do. I even am doing many of the things and I want to do them but there is a deep weariness in my spirit.
Perhaps it is the grief that tomorrow is the anniversary of Gene's and my first date. Our children do not "get" this one like they "got" Thanksgiving. [that will have to be a better processed blog in a day or two, because it is still overwhelming] But now is so very hard to quiet my spirit and rest in the work God is doing in me. I want to yell, "It's just not fair!"
What isn't fair I have to ask myself. That a phase of my life has ended? I didn't mind so much when other phases ended. The end of my teen years? [good riddance]. The end of singleness? [hooRAY!] The end of barren days? [double hooray!!] The end of diapers? ...well, I probably don't have to even say hooray to hear it from any reading this note! The end of homeschooling?.....this is where sorrow begins...I LOVE teaching and guiding my children but I never wanted them to be children and need that level of teaching forever sooooo Okay........ The end of Gene's worries, anxiety, illness, distress, bleeding, pain, fever...how can I regret that these are over as well?
So I MUST hang on tightly to the promises of God, His Word.......He'll see me through.....I read today a verse that has been quoted to me several times and found out it doesn't say what people have told me it said! in I Corinthians the verse about God not giving you more than you can handle is not talking about feeling overwhelmed in grief...it is speaking to temptations and that God will not allow a temptation to be so heavy a burden that He can not give us a way of escape. I always thought of those temptations as sins. Maybe it all boils down to trusting God in the midst of every circumstance, that the temptation that we can overcome is one to of giving in to despair or loneliness or grief just a surely as we can overcome the temptations of sin.
There is a time beyond now. There is a time beyond now. There is a time beyond now. There is a time beyond now. There is a time beyond now.
I visited with a friend yesterday who saw her sweetheart of 55 years enter heaven about a month after Gene went. We will walk some of this path together. But still the grief lies just under the surface and it requires superhuman strength to endure it. I am Thankful..........every ........day that I know SOMEONE who is superhuman! ...................and He knows me.