I go places and do activities, I smile [I am not faking], I am going Christmas Caroling with friends on the 20th, I went to the WVP [Women of Value and Purpose] Christmas celebration last night and it was meaningful to wrap gifts for a family in dire straights. It was fun coming up with gifts to give too. I receive people in my home, I visit other's in their homes. I decorated for Christmas but it all seems like it is in a time warp. It goes slowly too fast and it moves so fast but never begins and never ends. Confusion is it's name. I am lost and without knowledge of what I am supposed to be doing in these days. I know when I am not supposed to do certain things. I get a surety in my spirit that is as real as a traffic police officer, but no officer tells me what I should be doing.
I MISS Gene. I just miss him. I know all the good stuff and I know it's in God's hands but I physically, emotionally, spiritually miss him. It is a pain I am trying to purge through writing about it. But it grabs my breath, it swells my eyes shut, it runs my nose, it pushes my physical heart into rhythm unknown. I miss teasing him as only a wife and husband can tease. I miss the intimacy of relationship where we knew the inside joke and nobody else did! I miss eating with him...and fussing that he didn't use his napkin. I miss knowing he is asleep in the back and I can go get him if something important comes up. I miss him choosing Christmas gifts for his parents. I am so sorry that we ever wasted time being mad with each other over the years. I feel deeply connected to others some that I haven't even met who are experiencing something like this and yet there is no way to talk about it with them because we are all at different places in the process.
And during all this I am supposed to go to see my doctor, get my blood sugars under control, get my knees injected, make my bed, brush my teeth, wrap Christmas gifts and deal with [solve?] the distresses of my adult children. I want to hide in my house and NEVER come out. In all the different griefs I have experienced NONE have been like this.
My secret sister [from the WVP party last night] has been praying for me and last night gave me a beautiful metal wall hanging with a small wren perched on a old door knob and the scripture
He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge. Psalm 91:4
That is what I am going to do I am going to stay under His wings and snuggle in His feathers and have refuge.