Time

And so it is here.  The one year mark of Gene's escape to heaven.  Some things I have learned:

#1  When you are separated from someone you love dearly,  you usually do not die.  Sometimes you wish you could but you usually do not.

#2  Silence is GOLDEN....never have I been so amazed at the comfort of silence.  God is in the midst of it and for me it is a very big help.  I have always [always !] been a talkative person and busy busy busy.  And ALWAYS had an opinion on everything...just ask me I would have told you!  But now I treasure silence.  I am more content when I can write my thoughts than when I speak them.

#3  There really are not answers to the whys.  Sometimes the answer isn't there and you have to grieve that too.  I really wish I knew more of the answers.

#4  Having something else to do makes others think you are moving on but it doesn't feel that way inside.  this is a hard one to explain.  To myself or to anyone else.  I wish I could feel the thankful everyday that I named this blog.  I tried ...and succeeded nearly the entirety of Gene's illness to find it but this year has been ever so much harder than I can explain.

#5   Little things mean a lot.  When my chiropractor would greet me he never said "How are you"  You know that is such a little thing, but that question has such horrid answers.  I feel like I betray my love for Gene if I am fine and I feel completely incapable of putting words to how I feel and most people really just want to know you are out of bed and "functional"  [I am not sure what functional means]  But that man in particular didn't wish us Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas or Have a good day.  Instead he said things like Take care, and see you next time, and rest, and I care.  Yet he never shared any tragic story of his own.  He just spoke simple .......  I care about you  ......... messages that didn't need a response.

#6  I do not want to be independent.  Last night, my dear friend Lydia invited me to her house to watch Iron Lady.  This is a movie I have been want to see about the life of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.  I certainly did not expect to cry during this movie...but in parts of it she is confused thinking her husband of many years was still living and being confused by it all.  She cries out something like I don't want to handle it!  and I completely understood and began to cry.  I do not want this life at all!  It is not what I planned.  It is not what I dreamed.  It is not fun.

#7  But God...........He knew, He planned and He is planning.  I must choose to trust.  So I go forward, I resume some activities I have enjoyed in the past.  I go places and do errands and wash the dishes.  I smile at funny stuff that people say and then I feel guilty for having a good time and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.  I listen to other people as they enter into tragic and difficult circumstances and I try to listen in the new ways God is teaching me.  I have so much to learn and put into practice.

One resolve I have made is to come back to this blog if not daily at least weekly so I can share the things I choose to be thankful about.....every day.